Duʿāʾs for the grieving

When you hear the news

Say the words Allah praised in the Qurʾān: innā lillāhi wa innā ilayhi rājiʿūn, “we belong to Allah and to Him we shall return.” Umm Salamah heard the Prophet ﷺ say that whoever is struck by a loss and says this, with the duʿāʾ after it, Allah will reward them and give them something better in its place. When her husband Abū Salamah died she said it, wondering who could be better than him, and later married the Prophet ﷺ.

Innā lillāhi wa innā ilayhi rājiʿūn. Allāhumma-ʾjurnī fī muṣībatī wa akhlif lī khayran minhā

For the one who has died

When Abū Salamah died, the Prophet ﷺ closed his eyes and prayed for him by name. Say it with the name of the one you have lost in place of “Abū Salamah”.

Allāhumma-ghfir li-[name] wa-rfaʿ darajatahu fil-mahdiyyīn, wa-khlufhu fī ʿaqibihi fil-ghābirīn, wa-ghfir lanā wa lahu yā rabbal-ʿālamīn, wa-fsaḥ lahu fī qabrihi wa nawwir lahu fīh

He also taught Umm Salamah what to say for herself and her husband together:

Allāhumma-ghfir lī wa lahu wa aʿqibnī minhu ʿuqbā ḥasanah

For a woman, -hu (him) becomes -hā (her): wa lahā, minhā, qabrihā. The duʿāʾs of the janazah prayer itself are in the janazah prayer guide.

At the grave, after the burial

When the Prophet ﷺ finished burying someone, he would stand at the grave and tell those there to pray that the one who had died be kept firm, because they were being questioned at that moment. Stay a little, and ask Allah for their forgiveness and firmness in your own words.

Istaghfirū li-akhīkum wa salū lahu al-tathbīt, fa-innahu al-āna yusʾal

What to say to the family

When the Prophet’s daughter sent for him as her son was dying, he sent her his salām and these words. They are the best thing to say to a grieving family, in Arabic or in English.

Inna lillāhi mā akhadha wa lahu mā aʿṭā, wa kullun ʿindahu bi-ajalin musammā, fal-taṣbir wal-taḥtasib

Speak well around the dying and the dead. The angels say āmīn to what is said there, so let it be duʿāʾ and good words.

Short and sincere is enough: “May Allah forgive him and have mercy on him.” “May Allah give you patience and reward you.” “I am here; what can I do this week?”

What not to say

Do not say for certain where they are. When a woman told the dead ʿUthmān ibn Maẓʿūn, “I testify that Allah has honoured you,” the Prophet ﷺ asked how she knew, and said that he himself hoped good for him. Say “we hope” and pray, rather than declare. Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1243

Do not wail or curse. Weeping is a mercy; striking the face, tearing clothes and crying out against Allah’s decree are not. At Abū Salamah’s death, when his family cried out, the Prophet ﷺ told them to pray only for good for themselves. Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1294 · Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 920

Do not hurry them out of grief. Avoid “it was for the best,” “at least…,” or comparing their loss to another. Listening is often the kindest thing.

Condolence: the first days and food

Condolence (taʿziyah) is consoling the family, urging patience and praying for the one who died. It is usually offered in the first three days, which is how long mourning lasts for everyone but a widow; someone who was away or only heard later can still offer it. Keep visits short unless the family wants company.

Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 1280 · Sunan Ibn Mājah 1601 (ḥasan)

Feed the family; do not expect them to feed you. When news came of Jaʿfar’s death, the Prophet ﷺ told his household to cook for Jaʿfar’s family, because what had happened had taken all their attention.

For practical help with visiting, see visiting a grieving family.